Pooka, our three legged cat skipped off to seek shade in the garden on this glorious Sunday 14th of June as Julie and I get our black 1800 out of the garage, she barely offers a backwards glance as we busy ourselves…or should I say Julie does as she gets me to check and double check that I have everything. This getting older lark has its drawbacks for sure, now where are my fekkin glasses?
We leave Doncaster heading towards Barnsley then onto Huddersfield for the second meeting point, I have to say the landscape around Barnsley is fast healing, the huge grey scars and black spoil mountains are slowly turning green and beautiful as the once vibrant coal industry disappears into history, most areas are regenerating whilst others have got themselves seemingly stuck in a time warp. I can’t help but drift back to my early years as a coal face worker and the hardships that came with it, the money was good but boy did I work for it.
There wasn’t much on the roads at this time and we took in the voluptuous greenery and smart stone houses in rural West Yorkshire. It took just over an hour in bright sunshine to do the 40 miles to Huddersfield and reach the meeting point at the Huddersfield branch of Colin Appleyards,  car showroom, a big thank you to car salesman Ali for coming in early and letting us use the shop facilities.

Gordon AKA Havatrucker

First to arrive was pipe smoking Gordon on his bronzey looking 1500 with flashing council light and various other wired up gadgets, he was quickly followed by old contemptibles Brian and Janet from Rotherham on their old red 1500.
Tony from Wakefield landed next on his new 1800, an ex showroom model, a kind of pale dirty red colour, no wife today though, she was working….I know the feeling honey!
Ali got the kettle on as the rest arrived, they settled on the now open forecourt amongst new cars, unzipping coats and removing helmets, greeting and kissing each other, nodding and smiling in recognition, the new guys were greeted with nods winks and warmth.
Mr Nick Scott for example, arrived from Bradford by himself on a pale looking  purple 1500 that had seen plenty of time on the road,

Nick from Bradford and the pale ride

Nick told me he was going to have two fingers removed shortly from his right hand, which is at the moment strapped somewhat. It was damaged at work a while ago and the fingers in question are a burden and quite frankly he views them as less than useless, the operation hopefully will let him use the rest of his right hand with ease. I have to say that from my spot at the back he looked a competent rider, in fact he rode better than some guys who had ALL their bits in working order! I am confident that when he has recovered from it all he will be back with us and sporting some new hydraulic gadgetry on the handlebars that will allow him to stay free on two wheels, I look forward to your return Nick.

Magnum P.I AKA Andy Tennant

Andy Tennant and Colleen (G.I Jane) came in combats and matching purple tops to suit the 1500 they came on.Colleen was to have a moment later in the day on a bumpy road and became somewhat dishevelled. I’m sorry I missed it, its a good job I have a very colourful imagination!
Mick Gordge was back with us, minus Christine today so I resigned myself to standing behind him at every food stop of the day! One day Mick you are going to stay at home and complete Christine’s forgotten tiling. His German gay bar drinking partner Russ was with us as well on his 1800, minus Elaine as she was busy selling all the shit from his garage at a car boot sale. Mick and Evelyn came from somewhere over Leeds way on their 1800, Mick is a very handsome Irishman with a lovely shock of silver hair to die for, he reminded me of country and western singer Kenny Rogers.  Evelyn was a tiny bubbly lady and flashed the biggest smile of the day.
Mark and Chrissy sat on “Purple Pussy”…..a 1500, purple in colour and named as a gesture to his non Goldwing mates! Chrissy was showing off her Australian flag and looked a lot better than a couple of weeks ago when she was slain by flu. Oh, just one thing guys, don’t mention buzzing bees around her because it freaks her out OK?

Ah....Chrissy

Lynne and John of Sheffield were to bring smiles to our faces at their deft handling of the 1800 purple trike, although John’s eyesight is pretty shot these days it seems. He thought the spandexed woman on the cycle had a great ass…..only it wasn’t a woman, Now, everyone knows a mans ass looks like a potato whilst a womans ass is like a beautiful peach.
Old Geoff and Christine on their orange 1800 sat near Barry and Tina, Geoff was wearing a lurid orange shirt that strained against his body showing off his manly belly curve, it’s no good breathing in boy, we all have one! Christine however dressed more sensibly I might add.

No, this NOT Christine!

We waited a bit longer after the ten o’clock start for any who still might turn up, after all what’s another ten minutes between friends. If we were a proper club we could maybe impose a late arrival fixed penalty, but we’re not a club so we won’t. Two red 1500s from Trent Wings were the last to arrive. Enter Jean and Ian new riders escorted by Dean the Trent region rep. So folks that’s who the APPY WANDERERS were today, fifteen bikes in all, about to have a great time exploring the roads that criss crossed The Peak District National Park, before lunch at Matlock Bath
We posed for a hasty group photograph (because Christine hates posing), after which Barry asked for our attention and offered some important advice especially for folk who were not used to riding as a group, pointing out some basics and explained what was expected of everyone, it’s a darn good idea that we all sing off the same hymn sheet so to speak don’t you agree? Finally he points to me as “back door man” Some think he is being personal, but no it just means that I shall stay at the rear as Barrys’ eyes at junctions and traffic lights etc. After all chaps not even the great “Barry Bollox” can see the antics of all fifteen bikes all of the time!

Todays very APPY WANDERERS

It was time for the circus to leave town, waving Ali goodbye we topped up at the first garage down the road before setting off for the day’s adventure. Holmfirth was our first town, unfortunately we rode in from the North so missed the café made so famous from “The Last Of The Summer Wine”, we were soon through this little bottleneck and heading skyward up towards Holme Moss, sneaking looks over to our left we could see Winscar Res down below and the famous Emley Moor TV mast miles away to the east. It was a great sight, the weather was great too, just a few starched white clouds, tons of blue sky and warm rays from the sun.

Gordon leads "The Scribe" up out of Holmfirth

We dropped of the hillside and crossed over another reservoir before dropping down further, Glossop lies at the bottom of the hill, we turned left at the lights and started uphill again climbing steeply on Alpine practice roads, this was the A57, the famous Snake Pass, a bikers haven and old trunk road from Manchester to Hull and the ferry to the continent (Come Friday 19th June and we APPY WANDERERS will be on that ferry..yipeee!) We twisted and turned along the road heading towards Sheffield. I was sitting at the back staring at Gordens huge orange council light. Forty minutes into the ride I heard John on the trike directing Barry to our first tea stop at Derwent Dam.
It was not a surprise to find that there were no parking spaces whatsoever, so Barry had a word with one of the rangers who gave us the nod and we huddled into the coach park. Everyone defrocked and joined the queue behind our Mick  for tea and pasties.

Mick, our very own Artful Dodger

I was sitting quietly chilling with Christine as a couple of ducks plodded around our feet picking up scraps, when one of the little buggers jumped up and began snatching at my pastie. She knew no fear as my stare was met with dumb insolence…and another snatch at my pastie! I was thankful this damn duck had no teeth. Did you know these things are prone to heart attacks on take off, have homosexual tendencies and are into the odd gang rape.  I’m not making it up folks I read it in a newspaper article, hence I gave up the remains of my pastie.
Tina inspected the loos for the book and we all double checked them out before gathering at the bikes again.  We rode alongside both Derwent and Ladybower reservoirs. It was during the Second World War that huge four engine Avro Lancaster bombers practiced low flying along these dams, now then everyone, these dams are not exactly straight so looking down at the water below us it was hard to imagine these bombers with one hundred and two foot wingspans belting along at two hundred miles per hour whilst keeping it down to just sixty feet from the surface….at night! Did you know that a basic model with no bolt on extras or chrome would set you back a cool £45/50,000 back then? These days that would be over 1.3 MILLION squids!!!!
With the money in mind I quickley caught up with the rest in a bit of a sweat, we left the area and headed over the dams towards  Bamford and another set of piggin traffic lights, people didn’t two up at the lights so we didn’t get out as one group from the lights, but hey, it was a lazy Sunday rideout not a race, so no worries  (not like next week on the German adult autobahns..yipheee! )
Barry employed the drop off system a couple of times, using Old Geoff, because of our size and it worked well. We had other road users to contend with more as the day matured and people took to their tin boxes, some made light work of skipping around the vehicles whilst others didn’t. I committed to passing an old red sport car and progressed quickly up the side of it to find bikes in front braking suddenly dipping in quickly in front of the sports car to stop behind some of the guys on a slip way who had stopped to let us catch up. Muttering a few pit expletives I kept the throttle open grinning at the sports driver sitting a few feet down to my left, I kept the momentum going, passing quickly and safely but finding myself going from 15th to 5th in the pack in a Rossi style move. I guess the “sheep flock syndrome” had just kicked in and instead of moving along to clear the vehicles then reforming further along the road, some guys thought  “I must stop because I am supposed to be behind THAT red 1800”!! Oh well it certainly woke me up for a minute!

We closed up a little towards Chatsworth House as we crossed another cattle grid and drove through beautiful meadow land, the road got smaller, Chatsworth House nestled behind and to the left of us and we stopped at an old humpty backed bridge and more traffic lights, some of us pushed easily through the standing traffic passing obscene bulky 4×4s. Can anyone tell me why these things are used on perfectly smooth roads, why is it that some anal types can go from a saloon car to a fekkin five ton tank or worse, a bleeding plastic motorhome and presume they can drive it just as well. It really grips me…can you tell?
Well anyway, most of us wiggled along the little road and round the big fuck off blue tank before scarpering off down the road towards Matlock, Nick got round the 4×4’s no problem passing me with Brian and Janet who settled just in front of me. I saw Dean and Ian the two Trent bikers between the cars and the big blue tank about a hundred metres away I let Barry know up front. They were playing it steady as Ian and Jean only had their 1500 a few weeks and Dean was keeping him company, anyway Matlock was their playground so they knew the area well. Matlock was only about five miles down the road.

Matlock Bath shimmers in the midday sunshine

We wanted to park up in Matlock Bath amongst all the other bikers but we would need about fifty yards to ourselves, so we slowed looking for somewhere as Darren (Humungus) and Janet from Stoke came into view, their black 1800 glistened in the sunshine as they waved and took pictures, they suited up and followed us before joining us as we squatted into another coach space.  It’s really nice to meet you guys after chatting on the web a couple of weeks ago. Arriving at one’s destination is a nice feeling of achievement, (a bit like arriving on the continent on Saturday morning after a brill night on the ferry). We overloaded the ticket machine whilst some opened up bottomless bags and proceeded to picnic on the nearby grassy hillock, Mick Gordge looked a bit crestfallen as they ate first. We drifted off in small groups to soak up some sun and enjoy the company of bikers along the riverfront walk, a little group of us settled at a café and watched the world go by.

Beauty hath no age for our Mick and Evelyn.

To see the shapes sizes and colours of the ladies….sorry I mean bikes go by is just the beez kneez! I stood with Barry and Russ as three spluttering scooters cackled into life and three guys festooned in parka combat jackets and heay denim jackets toddled off down the road.

One of Toms mob

Then a real old beauty hove into view, it was a really old but pristine MotoGuzzi in military colours with an even older crusty looking enthusiast atop the Italian beast.
Darren and Janet joined us at the table with coffee, tea and milkshakes. These two had joined us all the way from Stoke, Darren is HUMUNGUS on the website, drop by and give him a pat on the back why don’t you? If we were a proper club we would have presented you with a tin mug or something as furthest travelled, but we’re not so, you will just have to make do with becoming APPY WANDERERS for the afternoon and friends for a lot longer! (Plus a mention in the log) I loved your black 1800 with just the right amount of chrome devilry stuck to it. I loved Janet’s smile too, it was infectious;

Smiles from Stoke..Lovely Janet

One couldn’t help but smile back. I bet you broke some hearts when you were eighteen years young, young lady!

APPY WANDERERS wandered up and down the pavement ogling at the fine machinery and the odds and sods in the shop windows. Barry stood us a round of ice creams just as a reincarnation of “Tank Girl” swayed by, dressed in tight pvc pants …just, check out the photo.

"Tank Girl" Laura sways for charity!

Laura was doing it for charity and swung her box rattling the coins, I waited for Tina and  my Julie to sway by too as they dipped in and out of the busy shops.  It was soon that time again so we inspected more loos before meeting up at the bikes at three as arranged.
We said our goodbyes to the Trent two, it’s always great meeting new folk, leap on the motorway and “pop” up for the next one guys…it gets better. The Stoke Rogues also bid us farewell and left after riding a few miles with us somewhere behind Matlock as we squirreled along a fab B road, we were sixteen bikes for a while now we dropped to thirteen, we got a fair spurt on as the cars, 4×4’s and chugging m****homes faded from view for a few minutes.

Clear roads smooth tarmac...beware "Biker Country"

We turned north passing Haddon Hall and Stanton-in-Peak, people stopped and stared as we interrupted their day briefly, kids waved, gents nodded and the ladies beamed, a dark haired lady with the most horrendous long GREEN dress waved and smiled as we passed, “Nice dress Missus!” I lied as we passed. Oh well it made her day!
We soon found the A6 and bounded on quickly in the direction of Buxton, hang gliders soared on warm thermals away to our right at the cliffs edge (We would see more of these guys next week in the Alps) Julie went click click click at anything and everthing with the camera, it all looked so green and inviting, it was a good job I wasn’t leading I would be stopping here there and everywhere! High above us a couple of ugly buzzards circled and enjoyed their Sunday too.
We arrived in Buxton and dribbled along the high street stopping at the several sets of traffic lights. We finally began to pair up at these stops and I started chatting to Tony from Wakefield about his new 1800, he’d bought it in Castleford, “Oh yes I know Castleford well, I’m originally from Normanton”.  “Aye I know Normanton well” he replied, “Oh? I’m actually from the village of Altofts to be exact” “Aye I know that as well” he repeats. The lights changed and we moved forward, for the first time today I really wanted the next lights to go red, I was intrigued about Tony all of a sudden!  “What school did you go to?” I shouted, he shouted back “Normanton Secondary Modern”. God only knows what the folk around thought as we chatted each other up on Buxton High Street whilst riding 1800 motorbikes! “Aye so did I, AND I was the Head Boy…how old are you then I shouted?” we both stared at each other for a second “I’m 50…you?” “I’m 51”, we sat looking at each other in disbelief. The lights went green and eleven goldwings disappeared from sight, we were oblivious as we struggled to remember names of classmates from nearly forty years ago. Julie sat bemused by this exchange. Tony my friend make sure you come on the next ride we have some history to catch up on ……especially Denise Thornton, Carol Arrol, and Gayle Machen, the first of many loves. We must compare notes!

Old Geoff looking good...shame about the shyte shirt though!

Back to the ride, we saw we were now on our own, I tapped Mistress Garmin, she rasped “take next exit right”, I hollered it to Tony now sitting just in front, we cut left and left the high street, we hit the burners catching the group in a minute or two, they were no wiser to our short trip back in time!
It was reservoir time again, passing close by Strines and Dale Dike Reservoirs, the road was nice and empty, everyone felt loose now and elongated the group, running along at a nice pace, we were about 800 metres long and really enjoying the back end of the day. The road began to tip and buck, we knocked a few notches off as the bumps got harsher, a right turn off the road caught the last three bikes out and we shot by, I saw Geoff and Christine briefly as we shot by having just managed to pass a bimbling Sunday driver in his huge road hogging silver tin box, we had to go a distance before finding a suitable place to do a U turn. First us then Tony and Gordon swung around and turned running after Geoff down the tiny road hidden by the long grass. We rode down a familiar road in the direction of Stocksbridge, were my pal Joe nearly kissed a stone brodge on his Virago 750 on one of his first outings on his bike!  We lost Russ as he turned off toward Halifax, we had said goodbye earlier to Lynne and John on their gafferless purple trike as they headed in the direction of Sheffield. Barry pulled over behind a truck at a stopping place for a break. Andy pulled out his flask as Geoff and Christine pulled out their bottomless black and presented Julie and I with a welcome  instant coffee, meanwhile “G.I Jane” secretly  pushed her bits back in place, the road was so bumpy that she and her underwear began to drift apart! we chatted a while commenting on a great day as the sun began to morph from a bright gold blazing spot  to a warm orange orb.
It was time to fragment again I shook hands patted backs gripped Barry in a friendly meaningful  manhug.

Who needs women when we have each other and the bikes!

I picked up the small ladies and bade farewell to them. “Until Friday then” we few said, to each other, promising not to be late on Friday at Hull docks, Did I mention that another group of APPY WANDERERS are going to the Alps for a two week adventure? Hence I’m sitting here burning the midnight oil in an effort to get the script ready for inserting into the site before we go.
Julie and I headed south on the M1 as the rest headed in the opposite direction, we sat silently on the motorway, I turned Mistress Garmin and the CB off and we reflected on a brilliant day in The Peak District over there in Derbyshire, wonderful roads, great views, friendly rogues, cheeky reprobates new pals and old geezers we followed gladly all day. Now we were cruising on our own, we left the M1 turning east on the M18 towards Doncaster. The sun was behind us now as we ticked off the miles towards home.
Hardy, Blue and Barney hardly cast a glance at us as they munched the sweet grass in that lazy way osses do. POOKA the three legged cat sat on the mat waiting for us on the steps and tapped her claws on the door blind, impatient for food…Home sweet home. She will have a longer wait on Friday, did I mention that we are going away for two weeks to the sun kissed Alps, taking in Holland Germany Austria Italy and Switzerland?…………
Tilateronthen
The Scribe